i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
