I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
