maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
