I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
