You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
