omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
