I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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