i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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