girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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