don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
