So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I smell like Dick and happiness
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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