I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
