You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
