my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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