New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
So squirting runs in the family.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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