Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
