everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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