I can text with my tongue
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
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