Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
