i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
