I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
