I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
