drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
