There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
