The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
