remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
