so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
