the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
