He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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