btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
And then he peed in my hair
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