Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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