Whod you bang
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
