i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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