honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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