my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
