first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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