last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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