he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
