So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
