Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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