you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
