i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
