Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She bit a glass in half.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
