Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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