be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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