I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
