Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
