my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
