If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
