He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
