I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
