I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
