Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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