Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
