We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My dick has a subreddit
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
